Today’s Jewish Joke of the Day comes again from our friend Sal Litvak, The Accidental Talmudist;
Lost in the Mall:
Max and Ruthie go to the biggest mall in America. After shopping all day, Ruthie realizes she’s lost track of her husband. She searches all over but can’t find him so she calls him frantically.
“Max, where are you? I’ve looked everywhere!”
Jewish Joke of the Week: The Symphony
Years ago, a symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony.
If you’ve ever heard it, you may know there’s a long stretch where the bass players don’t have a single note to play. They simply sit there for nearly twenty minutes.
A man finally gave in and bought one of those fancy smart refrigerators.
The salesman promised, “It tracks your groceries, reminds you when you’re low on food, and helps organize your shopping.”
A week later, his phone buzzed.
Your refrigerator has a message.
“You’re out of milk.”
Jewish Joke of the Week: Dog For Sale
A man sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale. $10.”
He thinks, “No way,” so he knocks on the door.
The owner says, “Dog’s in the backyard.”
The man goes out back.
“Can you really talk?” he asks.
“Of course,” says the dog.
This week’s joke comes courtesy of the fabulous Sal Litvak, whom we recently had the pleasure of hosting for Shabbat. Many of you know Sal as “The Accidental Talmudist,” where he shares wisdom, inspiration, and plenty of great Jewish humor.
Here’s a fun one from Sal: The Secret To Long Life
An 80 year old man goes in for a checkup.
The doctor says, “I’m amazed. How do you keep in such great shape?”
Guy says, “I’m a Jewish golfer. I get up before dawn, I pray, I play 18 holes, I have my schnapps. All is well.”
Bernie had a complaint for everyone.
“My back hurts.” “My knees hurt.” “I can’t sleep.”
“The doctor doesn’t know what’s wrong.”
After months of listening to this, his wife finally dragged him to a specialist.
The specialist ordered every test imaginable.
Moshe sits down in his psychiatrist’s office looking exhausted.
“Doctor,” he says, “I had the strangest dream last night. I was talking to my mother, and everything seemed normal… until I suddenly realized she had your face.”
The psychiatrist leans forward. “My face?”
Jewish Joke of the Week: The Hat On a very windy day, a rabbi’s hat blew right off his head and went tumbling down the street.A young man saw what happened, chased it down, and returned it.The rabbi was so grateful, he handed him $20 and gave him a blessing. Feeling lucky, the young man…
Murray Feldman, a retired accountant from Cherry Creek who still insists on wearing a tie to the grocery store, is crossing the street when a car clips him and sends him sprawling onto the pavement.
Within seconds, there’s a whole sidewalk minyan gathered around him. One woman is yelling, “Call 911!” Another is offering him a protein bar. Somebody else is somehow already blaming the traffic on Colorado Boulevard.
Daniel flags down a cab late at night after a long day. He slides into the back seat, gives an address across town, and the driver, a guy named Mike, nods and pulls away.
For the first few minutes, everything is smooth. Quiet streets, steady driving, soft music on the radio. Daniel leans back, finally relaxing.
About ten minutes in, Daniel realizes he forgot to ask how long the ride will take. So he leans forward and lightly taps Mike on the shoulder.